Leaving Peace & Follicles

I feel strangely numb.  After two weeks of hormone-intensive drugs I feel…quiet.  As though somehow the hormones created a feedback loop with my inner turmoil. However, now that the turmoil is gone, there is no more feedback.

Tomorrow we have our first IUI.  I have three nice follicles; two on the left and one on the right.  We still don’t know if the right fallopian tube is working (probably not since it didn’t show on the HSG test), so we are just betting on the two left follicles.

But I can’t seem to bring myself to get excited about any of it.  I can’t get my hopes up.  Because I know that if it succeeds, that’s God’s plan.  And if it fails, that’s God’s plan.  And if it succeeds, but then I miscarry, that’s God’s plan.  And if it succeeds but then my child dies at birth, that’s God’s plan.  As you can imagine, this train of thought could go on and on…

Somehow my soul has come to accept this as truth, but at the cost of my heart.  I can no longer be excited, because I don’t know what to be happy for.  I don’t know how to be without a wish.  So, I am numb.  Maybe numb is the wrong word.  Could this be peace?  I’m not sure; it’s not especially enjoyable.  It’s more like resignation.  Is that peace?

But as my emotions have quieted I can actually stop to enjoy this journey, even though I don’t know where it will lead.  This abatement of extreme emotion has brought an appreciation for the mundane facets of this infertility journey:  quiet conversations with my husband that are so much closer than before, comforting him in his grief and anxiety, planning a lovely Valentine’s getaway after our IUI in the morning, intimacy with friends who want to share the journey with me, my furbaby pressing close to me every time he senses my mood might be shifting to the dark side, energy and weight loss from our pro-pregnancy Paleo lifestyle change, allowing my husband to administer an Ovidrel shot to me while I held a pillow over my head, and so much more…

I’m not sure that this is peace yet.  Perhaps it is the beginning of peace.  There seems to be a shadow of foreboding hanging over it all…

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”  John 14:27

God, thank you for whatever this is–peace or numbness, or whatever.  Maybe it’s strength.  Maybe it’s shock, or denial, or depression masked as apathy.  I’m not sure what it is.  Thank you for what seems like peace.  Would it be ungrateful of me to also ask for joy?  Could you help me to feel joyful in this world where I have no control or safety?

For now, this quiet is good and I am thankful.  Please consider my request though, Lord.  I could do so much with joy again.  No matter what I’m going to keep walking my path until you turn me aside to another.  Please be faithful to me. Please don’t forget me.  Please show Yourself to be the God I know You to be.

 

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