It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Mostly because I’ve been too ashamed of myself to even utter the truth of my heart anonymously. You know those five stages of grief? I feel like they’re a never ending merry-go-round.
The denial stage happened for the first two years. That was hard, because my subconscious kept finding ways to grieve, even if I didn’t know consciously what was happening. I tried to sabotage my marriage, to leave my husband, to dream about a completely different life, to immerse myself in fantasy worlds online that pulled me away from reality. I removed myself from all social media so I wouldn’t have to be confronted with the reality. I did the same with family.
The next stage was definitely depression, although I know they’re not supposed to happen in that order. This one needs no description.
Recently I’ve been dealing with anger. And I know it’s silly, but there is one realization that has changed this for me. I still get angry. I think maybe I’ll always be angry. But the simple knowing, and I mean REALLY KNOWING that we live in a sin-cursed world is what is pulling me through this. It’s ok to be angry at sin. I know we need to understand that Jesus was perfect, so his anger was perfect, and ours probably won’t be…but that’s what I need grace for. I’m going to be angry at this sin-cursed world from time to time. And I think it’s ok. Things here are just broken. And it’s not God’s fault. It’s ours–humanity as a whole, and sometimes myself specifically. So I guess what I needed was to really know that God isn’t on the hook for my infertility. That God isn’t the author of evil. ((Which of course I knew mentally, but emotionally was quite concerned about.)) I just really hope that information helps someone out there, because if you’re anything like me you struggle with this.
I also went through bargaining/hypochondriac phase, which I still feel is lingering about. There’s some kind of horror that grips you when you realize that there could be some other problem you have that hasn’t been diagnosed. You feel so out-of-control, and you just want some peace of mind. You just want someone to look at you and say that, NO, there is nothing else wrong with you. But that can probably never be accomplished.
I would really like to get to the acceptance phase. All I need to accomplish this I think is to be able to stop crying at every church/small group gathering, and to be able to participate in a community again. I’m so ready to move on to this phase. Any advice would be quite welcome.
“…the Lord had declared that ‘everything that he had made…was exceedingly good’ (Genesis 1:31). Whence, then comes this wickedness to man, that he should fall away from his God? Lest we should think it comes from creation, God had put His stamp of approval on what had come forth from himself. By his own evil intention, then, man corrupted the pure nature he had received from the Lord; and by his fall drew all his posterity with him into destruction. Accordingly, we should contemplate the evident cause of condemnation in the corrupt nature of humanity–which is closer to us–rather than seek a hidden and utterly incomprehensible cause in God’s predestination.” John Calvin, Institutes