It’s Not God’s Fault

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  Mostly because I’ve been too ashamed of myself to even utter the truth of my heart anonymously.  You know those five stages of grief?  I feel like they’re a never ending merry-go-round.

The denial stage happened for the first two years.  That was hard, because my subconscious kept finding ways to grieve, even if I didn’t know consciously what was happening.  I tried to sabotage my marriage, to leave my husband, to dream about a completely different life, to immerse myself in fantasy worlds online that pulled me away from reality.  I removed myself from all social media so I wouldn’t have to be confronted with the reality.  I did the same with family.

The next stage was definitely depression, although I know they’re not supposed to happen in that order.  This one needs no description.

Recently I’ve been dealing with anger.  And I know it’s silly, but there is one realization that has changed this for me.  I still get angry.  I think maybe I’ll always be angry.  But the simple knowing, and I mean REALLY KNOWING that we live in a sin-cursed world is what is pulling me through this.  It’s ok to be angry at sin.  I know we need to understand that Jesus was perfect, so his anger was perfect, and ours probably won’t be…but that’s what I need grace for.  I’m going to be angry at this sin-cursed world from time to time.  And I think it’s ok.  Things here are just broken.  And it’s not God’s fault.  It’s ours–humanity as a whole, and sometimes myself specifically.  So I guess what I needed was to really know that God isn’t on the hook for my infertility.  That God isn’t the author of evil.  ((Which of course I knew mentally, but emotionally was quite concerned about.))  I just really hope that information helps someone out there, because if you’re anything like me you struggle with this.

I also went through bargaining/hypochondriac phase, which I still feel is lingering about.  There’s some kind of horror that grips you when you realize that there could be some other problem you have that hasn’t been diagnosed.  You feel so out-of-control, and you just want some peace of mind.  You just want someone to look at you and say that, NO, there is nothing else wrong with you.  But that can probably never be accomplished.

I would really like to get to the acceptance phase.  All I need to accomplish this I think is to be able to stop crying at every church/small group gathering, and to be able to participate in a community again.  I’m so ready to move on to this phase.  Any advice would be quite welcome.

“…the Lord had declared that ‘everything that he had made…was exceedingly good’ (Genesis 1:31).  Whence, then comes this wickedness to man, that he should fall away from his God? Lest we should think it comes from creation, God had put His stamp of approval on what had come forth from himself.  By his own evil intention, then, man corrupted the pure nature he had received from the Lord; and by his fall drew all his posterity with him into destruction.  Accordingly, we should contemplate the evident cause of condemnation in the corrupt nature of humanity–which is closer to us–rather than seek a hidden and utterly incomprehensible cause in God’s predestination.” John Calvin, Institutes

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7 thoughts on “It’s Not God’s Fault

    1. I know that in a general sense I’m not responsible for the entire world being broken…

      But I also know that being overweight is probably a cause of my ovulatory problems…so maybe that is a little my fault. That is something that I do have control over, presumably, and I failed.

      But lots of women are overweight and can have babies. So who knows. I don’t really know if I should blame myself or not.

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      1. Overweight!I don’t think so. Look at me, even at 50 kg my ovaries aren’t under my control and no one can explain “Why me?”. So let us ditch the blame game.

        🙂

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  1. The last two paragraphs you write I can totally relate with. About the hypochondriac feeling, I feel like if I eat a certain food that it will “destroy my gut” and I won’t be able to have a baby. I’m constantly going to doctors appointments to see if they will “catch” something I didn’t catch before. That is just one example. I have avoided social gatherings and church entirely. I just got off a 4-day crying bender that ended yesterday. Someone close to me is pregnant and I just went off the deep end. I even got counseled at work. I just read and pray at home. I feel like a hermit. Seeing fertiles and preggos really affects me.

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  2. My goodness these emotions and struggles are so hard. We blame ourselves at every turn. I am thin always been healthy and fit and even started trying pretty young and I just kept doubting myself and what did I do wrong, was I doing wrong to deserve this. The truth of that matter is, Infertility much like cancer, does not discriminate. The difference is society has not yet embraced or accepted Infertility as the horrific disease it is ( health coverage, societal support etc) so you end up feeling broken alone and like it is your fault. It is not. The only thing in your control is how you face this battle. How you manage to simply survive some days and other days even thrive. As far as entering into the acceptance phase- I think that ebbs and flows. It is so hard to attain when all you desire is something others have so simply and a desire so primal and all consuming. I think you should just try for smaller victories. Being able to stop comparing yourself. Taking a moment of gratitude for something you already have etc. above all- know that we understand, we have fought this too and we would never judge you. Sending love.

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