God is in the middle of doing something huge for me–and I’m afraid to jinx it. I’m afraid if I notice it he’ll take it away. If I rely on it he’ll withhold it from me. I know that’s some sort of psychological issue from the infertility, but I really am truly afraid.
God is in the middle of giving me a new job. In my hometown. Near my family and my husband’s family. If it works we will buy our first home. My husband has been unable to find gainful employment for the past three years in our current tiny rural town. If we make this move to this much bigger city he will have so many opportunities he will probably have to turn job offers down. My husband would also be able to pursue his career in music in this town–because we grew up here and he is plugged into the network.
So…maybe we could afford IVF with double our income. Maybe we could own our own home and put down roots and really belong somewhere… Maybe we could build into our “tribe” and really have family and support.
The sheer magnitude and velocity of this change is overwhelming–in a good way. I feel like Cinderella–like every wish could come true overnight. Please, God, make it come true.
“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him. But he knows the way that I take;
When he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.
My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.
But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.” Job 23:8-14