I Shall Come Out As Gold

God is in the middle of doing something huge for me–and I’m afraid to jinx it.  I’m afraid if I notice it he’ll take it away.  If I rely on it he’ll withhold it from me.  I know that’s some sort of psychological issue from the infertility, but I really am truly afraid.

God is in the middle of giving me a new job.  In my hometown.  Near my family and my husband’s family.  If it works we will buy our first home.  My husband has been unable to find gainful employment for the past three years in our current tiny rural town.  If we make this move to this much bigger city he will have so many opportunities he will probably have to turn job offers down.  My husband would also be able to pursue his career in music in this town–because we grew up here and he is plugged into the network.

So…maybe we could afford IVF with double our income.  Maybe we could own our own home and put down roots and really belong somewhere…  Maybe we could build into our “tribe” and really have family and support.

The sheer magnitude and velocity of this change is overwhelming–in a good way.  I feel like Cinderella–like every wish could come true overnight.  Please, God, make it come true.

“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.  But he knows the way that I take;

When he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.

But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.”  Job 23:8-14

 

 

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Carry Me Up This Mountain

This journey drags on and on…to the point that I no longer can envision the destination.  I only see the next mountain and plan my steps to carry myself up that mountain.  The cycles pile up…I’m thinking 60 or so now…the IUIs fail…  My cycle was stable for 3 years, and now it’s gone haywire again.

At least the hypochondriac in me has a name for the problem.  When I was able to sit down across from my doctor and tell him that I’d had three cycles under 20 days in the last two months, he was able to tell me what was happening.  I wasn’t ovulating.  Well, that made complete sense.  And I was so thankful.  Thankful to have an answer and not just wondering and fear at what could cause so much bleeding.  Seriously, WebMD will tell you that it’s about 10 terrifyingly worse things than anovulation.

I believe this (anovulation) is what was happening to me in college…and I weighed about the same then that I do now.  So I’m not sure if my weight is a factor or not…I was so young…

But the doctor is confident that this and all the other problems can be solved with IVF/ICSI.  So I guess that’s the next mountain.  IVF.  I called the pharmacy and clinic to find the prices and I’ve come up with a number: $14,000.  It seems like a crazy gamble.  But that is a normal price for a car…would I rather have a car than a baby?

I’m thinking about telling more people about our problems so that I can crowdfund a bit.   I’m not sure if it’s worth it or not.  It’s such a risk.  What do you think?  The number seems unreal…which is maybe why I’m not feeling too much anxiety.  IVF is my next mountain, and I have to get over it before I can move on with my life…whatever comes after.  So I’m praying that God will guard my heart and mind as I climb to find whatever views are waiting for me at the top.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phillipians 4:6-7

It’s Not God’s Fault

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  Mostly because I’ve been too ashamed of myself to even utter the truth of my heart anonymously.  You know those five stages of grief?  I feel like they’re a never ending merry-go-round.

The denial stage happened for the first two years.  That was hard, because my subconscious kept finding ways to grieve, even if I didn’t know consciously what was happening.  I tried to sabotage my marriage, to leave my husband, to dream about a completely different life, to immerse myself in fantasy worlds online that pulled me away from reality.  I removed myself from all social media so I wouldn’t have to be confronted with the reality.  I did the same with family.

The next stage was definitely depression, although I know they’re not supposed to happen in that order.  This one needs no description.

Recently I’ve been dealing with anger.  And I know it’s silly, but there is one realization that has changed this for me.  I still get angry.  I think maybe I’ll always be angry.  But the simple knowing, and I mean REALLY KNOWING that we live in a sin-cursed world is what is pulling me through this.  It’s ok to be angry at sin.  I know we need to understand that Jesus was perfect, so his anger was perfect, and ours probably won’t be…but that’s what I need grace for.  I’m going to be angry at this sin-cursed world from time to time.  And I think it’s ok.  Things here are just broken.  And it’s not God’s fault.  It’s ours–humanity as a whole, and sometimes myself specifically.  So I guess what I needed was to really know that God isn’t on the hook for my infertility.  That God isn’t the author of evil.  ((Which of course I knew mentally, but emotionally was quite concerned about.))  I just really hope that information helps someone out there, because if you’re anything like me you struggle with this.

I also went through bargaining/hypochondriac phase, which I still feel is lingering about.  There’s some kind of horror that grips you when you realize that there could be some other problem you have that hasn’t been diagnosed.  You feel so out-of-control, and you just want some peace of mind.  You just want someone to look at you and say that, NO, there is nothing else wrong with you.  But that can probably never be accomplished.

I would really like to get to the acceptance phase.  All I need to accomplish this I think is to be able to stop crying at every church/small group gathering, and to be able to participate in a community again.  I’m so ready to move on to this phase.  Any advice would be quite welcome.

“…the Lord had declared that ‘everything that he had made…was exceedingly good’ (Genesis 1:31).  Whence, then comes this wickedness to man, that he should fall away from his God? Lest we should think it comes from creation, God had put His stamp of approval on what had come forth from himself.  By his own evil intention, then, man corrupted the pure nature he had received from the Lord; and by his fall drew all his posterity with him into destruction.  Accordingly, we should contemplate the evident cause of condemnation in the corrupt nature of humanity–which is closer to us–rather than seek a hidden and utterly incomprehensible cause in God’s predestination.” John Calvin, Institutes