I Shall Come Out As Gold

God is in the middle of doing something huge for me–and I’m afraid to jinx it.  I’m afraid if I notice it he’ll take it away.  If I rely on it he’ll withhold it from me.  I know that’s some sort of psychological issue from the infertility, but I really am truly afraid.

God is in the middle of giving me a new job.  In my hometown.  Near my family and my husband’s family.  If it works we will buy our first home.  My husband has been unable to find gainful employment for the past three years in our current tiny rural town.  If we make this move to this much bigger city he will have so many opportunities he will probably have to turn job offers down.  My husband would also be able to pursue his career in music in this town–because we grew up here and he is plugged into the network.

So…maybe we could afford IVF with double our income.  Maybe we could own our own home and put down roots and really belong somewhere…  Maybe we could build into our “tribe” and really have family and support.

The sheer magnitude and velocity of this change is overwhelming–in a good way.  I feel like Cinderella–like every wish could come true overnight.  Please, God, make it come true.

“Behold, I go forward, but he is not there, and backward, but I do not perceive him; on the left hand when he is working, I do not behold him; he turns to the right hand, but I do not see him.  But he knows the way that I take;

When he has tried me, I shall come out as gold.

My foot has held fast to his steps; I have kept his way and have not turned aside. I have not departed from the commandment of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my portion of food.

But he is unchangeable, and who can turn him back? What he desires, that he does. For he will complete what he appoints for me, and many such things are in his mind.”  Job 23:8-14




Carry Me Up This Mountain

This journey drags on and on…to the point that I no longer can envision the destination.  I only see the next mountain and plan my steps to carry myself up that mountain.  The cycles pile up…I’m thinking 60 or so now…the IUIs fail…  My cycle was stable for 3 years, and now it’s gone haywire again.

At least the hypochondriac in me has a name for the problem.  When I was able to sit down across from my doctor and tell him that I’d had three cycles under 20 days in the last two months, he was able to tell me what was happening.  I wasn’t ovulating.  Well, that made complete sense.  And I was so thankful.  Thankful to have an answer and not just wondering and fear at what could cause so much bleeding.  Seriously, WebMD will tell you that it’s about 10 terrifyingly worse things than anovulation.

I believe this (anovulation) is what was happening to me in college…and I weighed about the same then that I do now.  So I’m not sure if my weight is a factor or not…I was so young…

But the doctor is confident that this and all the other problems can be solved with IVF/ICSI.  So I guess that’s the next mountain.  IVF.  I called the pharmacy and clinic to find the prices and I’ve come up with a number: $14,000.  It seems like a crazy gamble.  But that is a normal price for a car…would I rather have a car than a baby?

I’m thinking about telling more people about our problems so that I can crowdfund a bit.   I’m not sure if it’s worth it or not.  It’s such a risk.  What do you think?  The number seems unreal…which is maybe why I’m not feeling too much anxiety.  IVF is my next mountain, and I have to get over it before I can move on with my life…whatever comes after.  So I’m praying that God will guard my heart and mind as I climb to find whatever views are waiting for me at the top.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Phillipians 4:6-7

Leaving Peace & Follicles

I feel strangely numb.  After two weeks of hormone-intensive drugs I feel…quiet.  As though somehow the hormones created a feedback loop with my inner turmoil. However, now that the turmoil is gone, there is no more feedback.

Tomorrow we have our first IUI.  I have three nice follicles; two on the left and one on the right.  We still don’t know if the right fallopian tube is working (probably not since it didn’t show on the HSG test), so we are just betting on the two left follicles.

But I can’t seem to bring myself to get excited about any of it.  I can’t get my hopes up.  Because I know that if it succeeds, that’s God’s plan.  And if it fails, that’s God’s plan.  And if it succeeds, but then I miscarry, that’s God’s plan.  And if it succeeds but then my child dies at birth, that’s God’s plan.  As you can imagine, this train of thought could go on and on…

Somehow my soul has come to accept this as truth, but at the cost of my heart.  I can no longer be excited, because I don’t know what to be happy for.  I don’t know how to be without a wish.  So, I am numb.  Maybe numb is the wrong word.  Could this be peace?  I’m not sure; it’s not especially enjoyable.  It’s more like resignation.  Is that peace?

But as my emotions have quieted I can actually stop to enjoy this journey, even though I don’t know where it will lead.  This abatement of extreme emotion has brought an appreciation for the mundane facets of this infertility journey:  quiet conversations with my husband that are so much closer than before, comforting him in his grief and anxiety, planning a lovely Valentine’s getaway after our IUI in the morning, intimacy with friends who want to share the journey with me, my furbaby pressing close to me every time he senses my mood might be shifting to the dark side, energy and weight loss from our pro-pregnancy Paleo lifestyle change, allowing my husband to administer an Ovidrel shot to me while I held a pillow over my head, and so much more…

I’m not sure that this is peace yet.  Perhaps it is the beginning of peace.  There seems to be a shadow of foreboding hanging over it all…

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”  John 14:27

God, thank you for whatever this is–peace or numbness, or whatever.  Maybe it’s strength.  Maybe it’s shock, or denial, or depression masked as apathy.  I’m not sure what it is.  Thank you for what seems like peace.  Would it be ungrateful of me to also ask for joy?  Could you help me to feel joyful in this world where I have no control or safety?

For now, this quiet is good and I am thankful.  Please consider my request though, Lord.  I could do so much with joy again.  No matter what I’m going to keep walking my path until you turn me aside to another.  Please be faithful to me. Please don’t forget me.  Please show Yourself to be the God I know You to be.